1. A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
2. Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
3. Why did the cabbage win the race? Because it was ahead!
4. What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?
A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
5. A farmer and his girlfriend from NSW were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.
“that sure makes me want to do the same” said the farmer.
“Well, go ahead,” said his girlfriend. “It’s your cow.”
6. Liam had left Brisbane to go up to Toowoomba for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
7. A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the local cop shop and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman. “I don’t care, just do something about those drivers!” So the next day he had the local contractors go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later the farmer called the policeman again and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go faster.” So, again, the policeman sends out the local contractors and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY And that really sped them up.
So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the policeman, “Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?” The policeman told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the policeman got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the policeman decided to call him. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” And he hung up the phone. The policeman thought to himself, “I’d better go to that farmer’s house and look at that sign… There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers.” So the policeman drove out to the farmer’s house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY