A farmer says to his wife “today when I looked in the mirror all I saw was a fat, old, worn out man, it made me feel depressed. Darling wife, I need a compliment”
To which his wife replies “If it makes you feel any better, your eye sight is damn near perfect.”
I tried to navigate the farmer’s field…
But it was a maize.
John, a jogger, is running down a country road and is startled when a horse yells at him, ‘Hey-come over here buddy.’
John is stunned but still runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, ‘Were you talking to me?’
The horse replies, ‘Sure was, man I’ve got a problem. I won the Melbourne Cup a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plough and I’m sick of it. Why don’t you run up to the house and offer him $10,000 to buy me. I’ll make you some money because I can still run.’
John thought to himself, ‘Wow, a talking horse.’ Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old rancher is sitting on the porch.
John tells the farmer, ‘Hey man I’ll give you $10,000 for that old broken down nag you’ve got in the field.’
The farmer replies, ‘Son you can’t believe anything that horse says. He’s never even been to Melbourne.’
The retired farmer goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”
The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.”
The farmer touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the farmer touches it hurts a lot.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. He tells the farmer to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We’ve found your problem.”
“Oh yeah? What is it?” asks the retired farmer.
“You’ve broken your finger!”
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.